my home...my world

It seems to me dt my blog has become my diary. I don’t know why but I think this is the only way I can express myself… where I can just write anything and this blog of mine will not shout at me as being stupid.. Even though I know I am. Hehe…

Last thrusday night, I have a serious talk with fii thru our msn. At first it was nothing.. we just talk and talk and menyaya n kana nyaya balik… until one moment he said to me that he got something to share about. My heart started to beat fasts but I said to myself maybe itz nothing.. maybe he just want to talk… that tym I just finished my dinner (not sungaki ah) haha.. yup just finished my ‘dinner’ and that tym liat CSI on AXN. So he started talking and when he brought up the topic on his x.. my breathing macam terstop. My tummy butterfly and my heart stop beating. Hmm… thank God i’m done eating minutes ago. Even though so, I still have butterflies in my stomach and I started to have this feeling like vomiting. Apa lah nasib badan… hehe. that time I really want to nudge azim so that beside talking to him alone I have someone to talk to and maybe these butterfly will go away but then I told myself that I have to learn to face this alone… so I just take a deep breathe and continue talking to him

anyway, with all the strength I have left, I asked him to proceed what’s in his mind… so we talked until it was almost midnight. Now I think I’m getting used to be left alone d bilik tamu… mun dulu… sia2pun kn sorang2 d luar. I know that when u talk about something to someone… u sure want some thing in return isn’t it? So when he has finished talking… I said to him…( sikit2 saja ah…I dnt remember exactly but it sounded like) “now, see me as a friend. I think that if she can do it to you, she can do it to other people and also to you again. But itz up to you. I cannot rule your life” then when sudah saya puas bercakap dari a friend point of view… I asked him some questions… my last question was “can I say something from a different point of view?” den he said yes.. ok I started to talk lah… “this is from a point of view who like you. Mari th me saja yg talan bini2 atu. Nda jua ia datang lagi” I was trying to make some room… let go of some tension in the air… hehe… what ever! Hehe. I continued “I would probably ask you to forget about her. Then again I said that because I like you. Again itz up to you. I’ll be there waiting for you” then we talk and talk sampai sorang2 ngantok kn tdo.. but then I continue watching numbers alone and when kn tdo ada tia cTmo… ckp g sampai 2.30 den bru th tdo…

***the conversation I write just sikit2 apa yang we have. This is to cut it short plus censored part2 yang only both of us will know

Anyway… I think things feel weird. Some said I am I player because after all this time when things went wrong I can just say… “ok… whatever!” and I can just forget and move on with my life easily even though what happen I won’t fight for any guy to win them back! but why is it that now when things went wrong between me and fii, I have the feeling of ‘afraid of loosing him’?... I feel like I wanna fight to win him and I don’t wanna give up? WHY?????? Why now? I want the old me back where I can just throw him away and say to myself… “Congratulation, I lost nothing” UGH!