my home...my world

Dear God, not only have I fooled people around me… but I fooled myself. I’ve made people around me believed that I have forgotten about him and I forced myself to believe that he no longer exist in me but I was wrong. I realized that I never leave him far behind. All he got to do is just reach out and I’ll be back to his side. Oh God… what is happening to me? Nights ago he ask if he could call me up but I say no. I want to close my eyes as I have a terrible stomach ache. He’s ok with it but I guess I’m not because everyday second I must be wishing and hoping and praying I could hear his voice… his laughter that I miss dearly. The next day I regretted for not allowing him to call and my day wasn’t interesting at all! I missed called him in the afternoon but he didn’t reply. Only God knows how much I want to cry. I thought he’s mad but around evening I received a message that I’ve been longing for. A message from him. Oh how relief I felt… just by his simple words he could lift my all to somewhere new. Am I crazy?

Oh ya… he asked me out a few times yet all the timing wasn’t right. Darn! I really wanna see him and meet him face to face even though I’ve seen him before twice.. 1st tym I saw him in Gadong. He was wearing red shirt and was with his friends… 2ndly, I saw him at rimba when he was on his way home… I was shocked!!! I look gorgeous… damn! Hehe. I can’t erase his image in his car driving out of my head. What I wish right now is that I wish to him him… hehe… just like how I hug and kiss my cats… hehe…

I asked myself… is this what u call falling in love? If it is, den I must be in love. If only I have to guts to say it, I would probably ask him to love me but unfortunately I have no guts at all nor have I have the confident to tell him what’s in my mind. A few days back, for the first time in our unknown status in a relationship… he said the word love but I was too shocked to speak. Instead of replying, I took all the time I need thinking if he is for real. Cause I really want him to say it truth from the heart not just saying it like that. Yet I never asked. Look how stupid I am!

If I was given an opportunity, I would probably sort of follow what Julia Roberts did in one of her movies. Hehe (if I have the guts!!!) This is what I’ll probably do:

I would stand in front of him and look into his eyes and said “I got a little story to tell”

I’ll wait until he’s totally ready to hear what ever I’ll say to him… “Not long time ago there’s a girl praying to God that she’ll meet someone to help her through her days and bring her joy. So one day, all of the sudden a guy appear in her message box. That time she wasn’t thinking about it yet and not knowing who this guy was, she replied his message anyway. Soon the texting became the habits in her life. She’ll look forward reading his message and replying every single message that came. When they feel comfortable with each other, they decided to start talking on msn at first she felt a little awkward but soon the action on talking to him became her habit till now. Months after months, at last, the easiness and the comfortableness she felt with him make her fall in with him without realizing it. There are times when things are out of hands and little anger flare but then the next day she misses him even more. Right then she realized she can’t live without him. She learned a lot about him and yet she love every little thing about him even his flaws. She even laughed about it. She also learned more about life and she loved it so much. Deep down inside her, she wished he known her better to know what’s in her mind because this girl never know how to express her inner feeling to him. So she just let the chances passed her by. No matter how stupid she know she is, she still let things walk away. If only she knows how to say it and have the guts to say it, things would probably be different or maybe not. Everyday she pray to God that one day he will be hers to keep. She is really in love with him even though other guys came and tried to open her heart, they all failed because only this one boy could capture her heart. No matter how much she fooled herself by saying she has started to walked away.. yet he’s never far and all she wanted to do in her life is to stand beside him just in case he needed her. And she will be there and like this until he told her that he’s leaving her… but she hoped he’ll never leave because she knows that she’ll surely die without him. So now, she stands in front of him, asking him to love her”

Kali apa ah??? Entah lah labu… roger and out… hmmm...