my home...my world

First of all… Al… good luck in UK. Al… u’r leaving on my b’day… how dare you!!! Hahaha… Remember what I told you… mun stress di sana… ingat saja muka saya yang lawa ani… hehehe :p

PS: Al… u’ll be missed… sob sob sob



Hello everybody esp yati… who claimed to be my biggest fan… hehe. ada fan jua kah saya ani? Anyways…welcome to the outdated blog of mine. Hehe… well… I guess this post will be the longest post I’ve ever made of will ever make as I combine all the things happen into one post… maybe the joyness of writing a blog is beginning to fade away… nothing seems to be interesting to me lately. I think my head wasn’t straight… my mind is absent and sometimes I’m lost somewhere…anyway, I’ll write something.

First things first… Thanks to Al…on the 19th September, al, my fam and azim’s fam komplot to give azim’s surprise since it was his b’day. Early morning I ask mummy if I can join al to do the surprise for azim.. wel, mummy will always say OK when it comes to her ‘child’ hehe… so she also get excited and wanna join. The others, I think quite reluctant because at first they thought that banyak urg yang kan ke sana so when I told them it was only me and al… they automatically said they’ll join. Al pick me up around 3 at home, an hour earlier than we plan before. So we start our journey… ( I will not say it in full detail krg tau th Azim) hehe… Guess what!!! Hahaha… di Bingo I saw my Mr. YuuuuDDDD… hehehe. P kan… Mr.D syok sendiri ah… nda th ya sadar tu siapa yang berdiri dapan nya. At first I wanted to tagur but takut salah orang because I ever thought I saw him p last2 salah urg jua bh. Yatah… before malu sendiri baik th diam diri kan kan kan… btw Mr.D… my czn bini2 yang ikut dengan saya tu ckap u’re quite good looking. Hehe.. cewah… D… pusing sini… kambang kali dh idung nih… hehehe… :p

On the way to umah azim tym bali coke n pepsi… idah called and asked where we were. So I told her at kadai runcit dkt our land.. so she told me they are stuck dakat rumah iffah and they saw keta azim… hehe… hearing that, we bayar d minuman laju2 and wen I entered the car, I told al about it. So since al mau sampai before azim sampai… we go formula1 p nda plang laju banar sal infront of us ada banyak keta. So ended up slow jua masih. But thank God, we arrived before them. After arriving, I put all the stuff we bought on the table and suruh nisah cari tpt untuk taruh semua makanan… banyak makanan… hehe… while preparing the food, I heard bunyi keta and den we heard a honk.. that is for sure azim. He must have saw al’s car in the garage by then. So al grab the cake and went into the wet kitchen and someone grab the kotak.. was it me? Couldn’t remember. Aunty suan komplot d luar to update us azim’s status. While we were hiding in the wet kitchen, azim masuk. I heard azim said something like “mana?” his voice wasn’t clear because I’m already have my adrenaline and excited about surprising him walaupun kantoi jua bh. Hehe… kali when he’s on the way ke bilik tamu… I think because aunty kata maybe di atas atau bilik tamu… he went there to check. Then we walk slowly and subuk2 azim. Hehe. den there u go… the b’day boy appear and we nyanyi… not full version plang. Hehe. abis kah akhirnya lagu tu al? Den mummy, idah and eng2 datang to meriahkan suasana… den dakat2 kan sungkai everybody ambil tpt duduk and uncle baca doa selamat and sungkai we eat… wahhh… kanyang eh…

What else??? Hmm… lately I keep on thinking… what if other things happen… will my life be the same? I’m thinking what if esyraf didn’t just go silent on me… will I be like this? or am I gonna ignore my inbox that containes msg dari fii… I still keep his 1st msg tho… every single of his msg yang ada at my fs… why? I don’t know. Yat… u still remember that day when I told you I’ve broke the chain??? And I told u that if esyraf came back… I’ll think about forgetting about fii and be back to him? well, I don’t think I ever back with him… I guess that feeling is gone already just like how he’s gone without a word. He did come back yat and miss calling and message-ing out of the blue… have I told u… ada that one day I chat with his brother, he ask me if I still in contact with his brother… I said not as frequent as before. Den all of the sudden… one day he just txt me and said that he didn’t text because he used all his kredit to call and find a job… I guess his brother told him what I said… baru tah kan meng-explain… after so long? Ugh!

I also keep on thinking why I should be mad at his X or any other girl that he’s involve in? I told myself that just be myself and let time decide what happen with my life. All I got to do is pray and keep on praying that the sun will shine on me one day. But I also keep on thinking… there are others who text me yet some I didn’t reply at all and some I stop replying their text on the second tym around… but this one guy (fii)… I reply his text and look what happen to me now? I feel like I’m in the smelliest, dirtiest, and what other –est… I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m desperate for clean air to breathe. Desperate to have a good shake so that I can be awaken from this horrible situation. Desperate to have a good slap on my face so that I know I am just having a bad dream… but ney… it wasn’t a dream… it’s a reality of my life… at times while I just sit down, I think about my horrible life. And ask why God send me this mess. While thinking… there are time when the tears filled my eyes and fell on my cheek. Even if I pray every end on my prayers… tears just wet my eyes and cheeks again. But at times I cried without tears. Maybe at times I have enough of crying and my hearts just fills with sadness… that is why I usually sleep or play games so that I will at least have some distraction. Now I know how hard it is to act as if nothing happens in life while millions of things runs in ur mind. How hard it is to put a smile and happy face while only God knows how sad u are deep inside.

I guess I need some time off from all this messed in my life. I want to have a break from all this disaster I’m having. But ney… can’t live a day without him but right this moment I have to be stong with his silence because now he’s paying his annual charge so he is credit-less… hmm… I keep on checking my msn just in case he reappear not guess not yet! Anyway, maybe I need some space to gain back the old me. I miss the old me… miss the happy girl, miss the tomboy girl (as my sister claimed me to be). Am I really that tomboy before? Now, if I went shopping with my sister, I’m ban from buying sport shoes, been limit of the number of t-shirt I buy and they will for sure ask me to buy some girly baju for me to use and act like a girl. Which I am now. Now, I usually pkai bju kurung ja… kan sanang. Hehe..

Anyway, no matter what happened, I feel better now. I guess I’m so selfish after all this time. I guess I should have just let things happens and wish for the best. I have to believe that things happens for a reason… again its selfish of me to limit his social life with his ‘friends’… cause I realized I did the same thing. I still in contact with you D, with you al, with my other friends… tmo, esyraf, adi nya, isa, nazmi… and others. I just realize dgn saya chat n msg-ing ani laki2 banyaknya… bini2 ko th saja yat n hai. Hehe… with this realization, I feel much better now. I no longer so stress out when he mention about his X or any other girl.. in fact some times I’m the one yg bnyk tanya sal durang. Just to gain more knowledge.. hehe.

Oh yea… still remember my last post about his nick? The next day I ask him through msn and he said tak ada apa and all he need is a… hehe…a hug. But I guess itz up to him to tell me everything or not. Hmm… chat punya chat… we end up talking on the fone around 1+ in the morning sampai 2.30 kali. Hehe. when itz time to go to bed, we have um… kela’e nda jua but sorang2 nda mau tutup telephone and fii end up making a deal. He said he’ll ask me a question and if I can answer, he’ll put down the fone if not… itz the other way round but I should have known from the first place I’m gonna lose because his soalan nda pernah masuk akal… like the other day he ask me about baruk di hutan..

STORY:
Dalam sebuah hutan tebal ada sekeluarga beruk. Mereka hidup aman damai. Dalam sebilangan beruk ada seekor yang lebih bijak. Kerana kebijakkannya beruk itu menghidupkan api… wow… dengan bangganya beruk itu berkata “aku dapat hidupkan api”. Dalam keasyikkannya, api merebak membakar hutan mereka. Yang bijak tu pun dh mengeladak…

Q:
Apa yang patut di buat?

Ans:
Punya lah pnjang saya menjawab… dengan secara logic lagi… p pedah. Semua pun salah. Hehe.

Me: Save whatever you can save before merebak lagi.
Fii: salah
Me: lari?
Fii: salah. Bh tia?
Me: Pengsan keracunan gas
Fii: salah

***kes sasak***

Me: me bukan baruk? Baruk mana ada otak.
Fii: tau pun
Me: apa th?
Fii: behapa tah ingaukan dorang. Ada relation kah dengan beruk?
Me: dush!!!!! Apa lah


So…. Since I’v been ask by him I know this time his question pun K.O. jua ni. Bt I ask him to ask anyways just to hear his voice.

Fii: Hang Tuah… d mana letaknya tuah nya?
Me: keris nya… eh salah… Tuah nya lah…
Fii: salah
Me: lurus kali ah… pernah dah ni kana soal… Tuah nya…
Fii: salah…
Me: bis tu apa th?
Fii: arah huruf T arah tuah lah…cuba tukar T jadi B.. nda jua ada tuah g tu.. Buah tia jadi nya
Me: eh… buyuk… nda asi…


So he said ok… soalan kedua th…

Fii: banyak-banyak kek, kek apa yang jauh?
Me: umm…. Kek boom
Fii: salah
Me: umm… puteri mandi… boom… kek pelangi
Fii: salah
Me: apa tah? Pelangi jauh jua…
Fii: kek bulan
Me: alaa…. Pelangi jauh jua…

***kes nda mau kalah saya argue lagi… he gv up and said… this third question will be the last… hehe

Fii: banyak-banyak bunga. Bunga apa yang blh d padam?

***I know m losing… bt I ans anyway

Me: bunga yang kana lukis lah
Fii: salah.. bh tutup th telepon
Me: apa jawapannya dulu
Fii: tutup dlu. Ada **2 msg jawapannya
Me: xsen ni… lurus kan…
Fii: salah…
Me: bh… tutup th ni

So… after saying gud nyt… I close the conversation and a minute after that, his text came in… ‘bnyak2 bunga. Bunga apa yg blh d padam. Jawapannya bunga api’ hehe. kambing bnr soalan nya ani… hehe…


Oh ya… do u remember I told you about him showing my picture to his mom? Guess what?! I don’t remember how we end up talking about it again, but the other day he told me that he also showed my pictures at his siblings and also his amit and also his friends!!! And his amit knows that I am a UBDians… I was so shocked and I did not have any idea what to ask after that. I never even show my family or friends his muka ah... is he serious? But one thing for sure, he haven’t told his father about me. But then his better, I don’t mention about him to everbody I’m close… I think I’ll wait for sure until he’s mine to keep.

Two nights ago while on msn with him, he brought up a weird subject. He asked something like if kakak nda ada kata apa2 sal us.. I said no. I told him that I haven’t really expose him to my family yet. I didn’t tell him at first idah is quite reluctant about this but after danger dari aunty lina, she’s better now. I also didn’t tell him the reason why I didn’t expose him just yet. Hehe. doa2 kan ja semua nya OK ah. I still thinking why all of the sudden he ask that. So I ask back if his keluarga ada cakap apa2 or not. He said inda. They are just shocked. I said why. He said because he has me. Again saya bangang. So I ask lah… if his amit said anything since his amit saw me di UBD. Fii said ada, he said that his amit said ‘nanti th kenalkan amit arah nya’.. I said… ‘bowh’ he asked ‘mau?’… alamak… bangang saya lagi eh. Kali he asked if mummy tau sal ia… I said mummy and bapa nda tau but I’ve given a hint to mummy that I like someone and mummy said OK. I also told him ada my aunt and cuzn tau. Kali ia tanya apa durang say… I said they’re OK.

Itz true. A couple of months ago I said to mummy “mummy, kalau nanti abeb bekawan jangan mummy tekajut ah” mummy said “bekawan pulang”. I think mummy is ready to accept a guy in our life already since all the three of us sudah abis skulah and me soon graduate. I told fii that bapa nda brapa kisah sal laki2. in fact he bawa my guy fren becerita adalah. Hehe. our topic suddenly change… I think our topic is approaching ‘meet the family’… it weird to talk about it but we just did. It’s weird that he address my parents and siblings and aunt as mummy, bapa, kakak and aunty cause usually if there are not our own relation, we always said ur bapa, ur mama, ur kakak etc… but him… he uses as if… entah eh… just like me… I address his parents and siblings and amit like they are mine. Hehe… antam… anyway, when I told bapa OK in terms of guys and pandai bawa cerita, he said he is not the cerita2 type of guy and if ia becerita, keboringan orang selajur and d msn… pandai lah ia banyak cakap. He also said that entah2 ia ani pun inda pandai ambil hati mummy and bapa. Wah… jauh sungguh angannya… p saya suka… hehe. nda pemalu saya ani eh. I told him lah… he don’t have to be murai just be who he is and most importantly jaga ulah bisai2. he said ia nda jua baik banar… I ask him to explain lah… he said suka kurik idung… from that moment I know he’s joking around about it. But I just lantak ja. I him if ia bnr2 suka kurik idung.. he said awu… lastik g arah urg… hehe… gali dah? Haha… dh ia tau me layan ja, last2 he said he’s joking around. Hehe. memang saya dh agak dah. It’s him… and I like every part of it. It helps me smile and be positive through my days. His existence in my life change me a lot and become a better person… if only he knew that.

So anyway… I haven’t talk to him for two nights and it’s driving me crazy somehow…. If I don’t talk to him tonight… it will make 3 days with him… I know he has recharge his line because tdi early in the morning he missed called me while I’m still sleeping and I think he’s trying to tell me he’s back to his normal life yet I’m lazy to go online tadi. So now I go online but he’s not around… missing him already. But there’s something I realize while he’s missing… I’m not as crazy as before… I mean… dulu when I’m away from him for even a few days I’ll be so damn crazy but now entah. I’m still calm and waiting silently but entah macam I’v given up but nda jua I gave up sal he’s still playing in my head and I still wish for him to be around but cud it be because maybe dulu I’m obsess but now not anymore? Well… there’s two things I assume happened:

1. I think now I believe in God’s will. If he’s meant for me, then he’ll be mine to keep one day. Jodoh di tanggan Tuhan and I’ll just keep on praying.
2. Everybody needs room to breathe and I’m not going to stop him from doing anything he like just like I still want to be free. So dengan berat hati saya.. hehe… I’ll mengalah and give us room to enjoy life while I can and stop being selfish.


Till den… missing him a lot!!!!